Addictionology Course – In a South African Context – 12 Modules – 4 days – 3 x 50 mins per day

Written by Warren Whitfield. Posted in Articles, Courses, Life Coaching Services

Codependent-relationships-addiction-courses-codependencyModule 10 – Day 4

26. Co-dependency

Understanding co-dependency is the path to emotional, psychological, spiritual and social independence. If you do not understand the principles of co-dependency, chances are that you are enabling an addict to remain an addict, or are in an unhealthy relationship.

There are many definitions used to talk about co-dependency today. The original concept of co-dependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviours people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of
attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, co-dependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

The simple definition would involve at least two people who are dependent on one another and the destructive behaviour involved in receiving whatever is needed from each other. The consequences are an inability to function independently emotionally, psychologically and even financially from each other. One of many definitions of co-dependency is: a set of maladaptive,  ompulsive behaviours learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress.

Maladaptive – inability for a person to develop behaviours which get needs met.

Compulsive – psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.

Sources of great emotional pain and stress – chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, co-dependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the co-dependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a co-dependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the co-dependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if co-dependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviours and coping skills, then the
problems continue into each new relationship.

How do I know if I’m co-dependent?

Generally, if you’re feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships, you tend to be indirect, don’t assert yourself when you have a need, if you’re able to recognize you don’t play as much as others, or other people point out you could be more playful. Things like this can indicate you’re co-dependent.

Characteristics of Codependency

  • Controlling behaviour
  • Distrust
  • Perfectionism
  • Avoidance of problems
  • Intimacy problems
  • Caretaking behaviour, trying to fix  others – doing for others what they can or should be doing for themselves.
  • Hyper vigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger), or over protective.
  • Physical illness related to stress.
  • My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
  • My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
  • Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your
    pain.
  • My mental attention is focused on you.
  • My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
  • My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
  • My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
  • My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
  • My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
  • Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
  • Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
  • I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
  • I am not aware of what I want -I ask what you want. I am not aware – I assume.
  • The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
  • My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
  • My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
  • I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
  • My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
  • I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
  • I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
  • The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

Isn’t everyone co-dependent?

There are some natural and healthy behaviours mothers do with children that look like co-dependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of co-dependency that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can’t say though that everyone is co-dependent. Many people probably don’t feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.

The whole society is addicted; the object of addiction isn’t the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc. If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or co-dependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be co-dependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?

Why do we become co-dependent? What causes it?

It’s widely believed we become co-dependent through living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development to some degree. The system (usually parents and relatives) has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism,
mental illness or some other secret or problem.

General rules set-up within families that may cause co-dependency may include:

  • It’s not okay to talk about problems.
  • Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself.
  • Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation.
  • Be strong, good, right or perfect.
  • Make us proud beyond realistic expectations.
  • Don’t be selfish.
  • Do as I say not as I do.
  • It’s not okay to play or be playful.
  • Don’t rock the boat.

Many families have one or more of these rules in place within the family. These kinds of rules can constrict and strain the free and healthy development of people’s self-esteem, and coping. As a result, children can develop non-helpful behaviour characteristics, problems solving techniques, and reactions to situations in adult life.

How can counselling help?

For people with co-dependency, individual counselling can teach assertiveness, listening and communication. Counselling can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviours, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills.

In the case of co-dependency though, counselling only helps if the counsellor is aware of their own tendency towards codependence, or if the counsellor has some understanding about the addictive push in our society. Counsellor, in the case of co-dependency, need to present good boundary setting and healthy living themselves during sessions with clients. If a counsellor develops a working relationship with a client that has co-dependent qualities, again, the pattern is repeated, and therapy may not be as helpful. Some statistics show 50-80% of counsellors have not addressed their own co-dependency issues. So one must be
careful in choosing a counsellor for this kind of support.

Communication

Good communication involves listening, assertiveness, and responsibility. Communication is about getting our needs met through and with others.

A primary problem in our society is people don’t understand each other because:

1) We don’t communicate our personal needs and dislikes in an assertive way.

2) We don’t understand what someone else is trying to convey to us.

Expressing our needs and dislikes (setting boundaries”) involves:

1) Assertiveness

2) Use of “I” messages instead of “you” messages.

Understanding others involves:

1) Good listening – The importance of “just” listening. Listening involves asking questions.

2) Empathic responses – restating what was said without solutions, embellishment, or talking about ourselves. The focus stays on the other person.

Counselling professionals can help us evaluate our communication. Communication becomes an unconscious, automatic pattern that is difficult to change and involves practice and not just learning but un-learning the old familiar ways.

Communication is the healthy way of getting  our needs met and stating our dislikes.

When effective communication is not used or learned, people learn unhealthy tactics to cope and meet their needs, such as:

  • non-verbal
  • passive-aggression
  • isolation
  • acting out
  • verbal aggression
  • passive/placating
  • numbing – “I don’t care”
  • depression

Getting our needs met either by other avenues can have personal and social consequences:

  • Can damage current relationships and prevent new ones.
  • Can create unhealthy patterned relationships: co-dependent, enmeshed, distant.
  • Can become a part of our identity – who we believe we are: depressed, passive, numb, angry, aggressive, etc.
  • Basically, it can prevent healthy growth

Co-dependency is a vast subject. One that cannot be understood easily or quickly. It is one of the main reasons why families and addicts suffer for years without action. It must be understood in its entirety when counselling an addict, and their family, as it is the main reason why substance abusers leave recovery early. If a family is co-dependent, the addict, who has become a professional manipulator, will use the principles of co-dependency unconsciously to remain in active addiction and defer responsibility in becoming independent emotionally, financially, mentally and spiritually.

Recommended books on the subject

Escape from Co-dependent Christianity by Dr. James B. Richards is highly recommended.

Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beatie is an extensive look at the subject.

Boundaries, Boundaries for kids & Boundaries for adult children by Dr. John Townsend and Dr Henry Cloud.

Course Contents

Module 1 – Day 1

  1. Introduction.
  2. Definition of addiction.
  3. The difference between Dependency and Addiction.
  4. The Cycle of Addiction – Figure 1. 7
  5. Toxic State.
  6. Triggers.
  7. Cycle of Addiction.
  8. Acting Out.
  9. Long Term Contributors.
  10. The Cycle of Addiction – Figure 2. 8
  11. Euphoria.
  12. Addiction.
  13. Rush.
  14. Baseline Experience.
  15. Guilt.
  16. Fear.
  17. Shame.

Module 2 – Day 1

  1. The “Dis-ease” of Addiction.
  2. IDENTITY.
  3. Man is a 3 part BEing.
  4. Sub-conscious mind.
  5. Conscious mind.

Module 3 – Day 1

  1. What do I believe and why do I believe it?.
  2. Created to choose, changing beliefs.
  3. How a belief is formed (in children 0 – 4 years old).
  4. The process changes from about 4 years old onwards.
  5. Changing a belief.

    Module 4 – Day 2

  1. Intervention.
  2. Addiction lntervention Drugs and Alcohol
  3. What is intervention?.
  4. Does it work?.
  5. Some risks involved.
  6. Intervention can produce some undesirable consequences.
  7. Ask for information.
  8. Here’s how..
  9. Tips.

Module 5 – Day 2

  1. Identifying drug users.
  2. How can I tell if my child or my friend is using drugs?.
  3. Physical signs.
  4. Changes in behaviour.
  5. Items to look out for.

Module 6 – Day 2

  1. Treatment Types.
  2. Withdrawal
  3. Detoxification.
  4. Inpatient.
  5. Outpatient.
  6. Tertiary (Halfway House).
  7. The Minnesota Model

Module 7 – Day 3

  1. The 12 Steps of AA, NA, GA, OA, CA, MA, SLAA etc.
  2. History of Alcoholics Anonymous and the 12 Steps
  3. Dr. Bob & Bill W.
  4. Acceptance of a Higher Power.
  5. Relation to religion.

Module 8 – Day 3

  1. Progression of powerlessness.
  2. That leads to relapse.
  3. That leads to recovery.
  4. Substance powerlessness self test.

Module 9 – Day 3

  1. Dual Diagnosis.
  2. Getting Help.
  3. What Is a Dual Diagnosis program?.
  4. Epilepsy and addiction.
  5. HIV / AIDS and Addiction.
  6. What Are HIV and AIDS?.
  7. How are Drug Abuse and HIV Related?.
  8. Injection drug use.
  9. Poor judgement and risky behaviour.
  10. Biological effects of drugs.
  11. Drug abuse treatment.
  12. Mixing anti-retro-viral medication & drugs.
  13. Cross Addiction.

Module 10 – Day 4

  1. Co-dependency.
  2. How do I know if I’m co-dependent?
  3. What are some of the symptoms?
  4. Isn’t everyone co-dependent?
  5. Why do we become co-dependent? What causes it?
  6. General rules set-up within families that may cause co-dependency may include:
  7. How can counselling help?
  8. Communication.
  9. Characteristics of Co-dependency.

Module 11 -Day 4

  1. Addiction Drug Alcohol Statistics South Africa.
  2. Cigarettes | Tobacco Statistics.
  3. Alcohol Statistics.
  4. Dagga.
  5. Mandrax.
  6. Ecstacy.
  7. Cocaine.
  8. Crack.
  9. Methamphetamine (Tik, Crystal Meth, Meth).
  10. Heroin.
  11. Rehabilitation.
  12. Teenagers.
  13. Drug syndicates.
  14. Related Statistics.
  15. South African Crime Stats.

Module 12 – Day 4

  1. Principles / Ethics of Harm Reduction.
  2. Levels of Accountability.
  3. State Accountability.
  4. Corporate Accountability.
  5. Personal Accountability.

Tags:

Warren Whitfield

Warren Whitfield is the founder and CEO of the Addiction Action Campaign. He is also the author of “Addict Nation – The epidemic of addiction in South Africa today”. He founded NADA S.A. and has his own auriculotherapy practice in Northcliff, Johannesburg. He envisioned the concept of addiction harm reduction in South Africa and birthed the Addiction Harm Reduction Compliancy Initiative. Besides treating people for many ailments, he also created and owns various other businesses which include, AffiliatePro Marketing, INeedRehab.co.za & Acudetox.co.za

The AAC

Acudetox Centre

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Kelly Clarkson shares new photo of baby Remy and his sister River on Father's Day Kelly Clarkson shared a new photo of baby son Remy on Sunday as she wished husband Brandon Blackstock a happy Father's Day. The sweet snapshot showed Brandon sitting on the sofa with his arms wrapped around their daughter River Rose and their two-month-old son Remington Alexander. 'Happy Father's Day @BBlackstock #PieceByPiece Thnx 4 being such a great dad 2 all 4 of our kiddos! #sexydaddyalert,' Kelly wrote on Twitter.pre bonded hair 'Sexy daddy alert': Kelly Clarkson shared a sweet photo of husband Brandon Blackstock with their two-year-old daughter River (L) and two-month-old son Remy in honour of Father's Day on Sunday The 34-year-old American Idol winner - who has been married to the talent manager since October 2013 - gave birth to Remy on April 12, while River celebrated her second birthday last week. Kelly is also stepmother to Brandon's two children Savannah, 14, and Seth, eight, and recently said that they won't be having any more kids.

'Oh, no, we are done,' she told KIIS FM Australia when asked if she planned to try for more children. 'Oh good Lord, yes, I can't be pregnant again. This will be our number four total, so we're good. 'Honestly, the first one was really rough, and I was like, "Oh, it can't happen again," and no it happened, like, way worse this time.' Happy family: The singer is also stepmother to Brandon's two children Savannah, 14, and Seth, eight. She is seen here with the talent manager in 2013 Kelly added: 'I just get hospitalised, and I have to get fluids. It's just, like, my body was not made to be pregnant.' Meanwhile last month, the singer joked that she 'hates' Chrissy Teigen, after seeing a picture of the model in a crop top and hotpants just three weeks after giving birth. Responding to the photo that John Legend shared on Instagram, Kelly tweeted: 'Okay, what?! She just had a baby! My train of thoughts.... #hateher #justkidding #kindofnotkidding #jealouslikeJonas.' But it was all in good fun as the pop star also invited John and his wife and daughter over for a 'play date' - providing they bring some of Chrissy's delicious cooking. Fighting back: Last year, the Stronger hit-maker responded to fat-shamers who criticised her for not bouncing back into shape right away after giving birth Last year, the Stronger hit-maker responded to fat-shamers who criticised her for not bouncing back into shape right away after giving birth. 'There are just some people who are born skinny and with a great metabolism – that is not me,' Kelly told Redbook magazine.remy hair extensions 'I wish I had a better metabolism. But someone else probably wishes they could walk into a room and make friends with everyone like I can. You always want what someone else has.' The star added: 'I don't obsess about my weight, which is probably one of the reasons why other people have such a problem with it.' Just kidding: Meanwhile Kelly joked last month that she 'hates' Chrissy Teigen for getting back her pre-baby figure so quickly after giving birth

She impressed audiences with her gorgeous legs as she flirted with Leonardo DiCaprio in Wolf of Wall Street. And Margot Robbie’s pins were on display as she strolled around New York City in a short black slip dress paired with a long pink Kimono, on Wednesday. The 26-year-old showed why she is tipped to be the next Bond girl, showing off her slender physique in the eye-catching number from Spell & The Gypsy Collective. Scroll down for video Stepping out: Margot Robbie’s trim pins were on display as she wafted around New York City in a short black slip dress paired with a long pink Kimono on Wednesday The oriental-inspired garment featured broderie anglaise in elaborate flower patterns on the sleeves, shoulders and back, and flowed behind her as she strolled around downtown NYC. Leaving a Tribeca hotel, the Australian actress smiled behind oversized round metallic sunglasses with her blonde locks tied back in a bun.perruques cheveux naturels The Hollywood starlet’s complexion was characteristically flawless all over, but years in the Northern Hemisphere appeared to have erased her Australian tan. All smiles: Leaving a Tribeca hotel, the Australian actress smiled behind oversized round metallic sunglasses with her blonde locks tied back in a bun High fashion: The 26-year-old showed why she is tipped to be the next Bond girl, showing off her slender physique in the eye-catching number from Spell & The Gypsy Collective Good taste: The oriental-inspired garment featured broderie anglaise in elaborate flower patterns on the sleeves, shoulders and back, and flowed behind her as she strolled around downtown NYC She enhanced her look with natural-look makeup and subtle pink lipstick and carried a small black leather handbag to run her errands.

Margot had been at a fitting for the upcoming NYC premiere of her new film Suicide Squad on Monday night. Tinseltown is abuzz with rumours that the blonde beauty will appear in the next James Bond film as a Bond girl, following a long line of glamorous actresses. Flawles: The Hollywood starlet’s complexion was characteristically flawless all over, but years in the Northern Hemisphere appeared to have erased her Australian tan Going natural: She enhanced her look with natural-look makeup and subtle pink lipstick and carried a small black leather handbag to run her errands Looking her best: Margot had been at a fitting for the upcoming NYC premiere of her new film Suicide Squad on Monday night Online polls have revealed the 26-year-old stunner is at the strongest odds to fill the role, sitting at 12/1, while Emily Blunt sits at 16/1, according to Paddy Power. Others sitting at promising odds to star as the much-desired female character are American model and actress Emily Ratajkowski, who sits at 22/1, with Brit Emma Watson further down the line at 40/1. The Gold Coast girl found her big break in 2013 opposite Leonardo DiCaprio in Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street as the feisty and seductive, Naomi. Plenty to smile about: Tinseltown is abuzz with rumours that the blonde beauty will appear in the next James Bond film as a Bond girl, following a long line of glamorous actresses Adoring fans: Margot caused a stir with passersby as she stepped out in NYC Well made: The beautiful garment had an elaborate rose pattern on its back More recently, she starred alongside Alexander Skarsgård in The Legend Of Tarzan as Jane.perruques cheveux As well as the blockbuster, Margot has various other projects in the pipeline, including Suicide Squad, in which she plays Harley Quinn. Other females who have starred as the prestigious Bond girl include talented beauties Halle Berry, Rosamund Pike and Eva Green. Next big thing: Online polls have revealed the 26-year-old stunner is at the strongest odds to fill the Bond role, sitting at 12/1, while Emily Blunt sits at 16/1, according to Paddy Power . In demand actress: As well as the blockbuster, Margot has various other projects in the pipeline, including Suicide Squad, in which she plays Harley Quinn Following in footsteps: Other females who have starred as the prestigious Bond girl include talented beauties Halle Berry, Rosamund Pike and Eva Green Although the buzz around who will land the role of Bond girl is growing, the film is not expected to be released until at least 2018. Producer Barbara Broccoli has two other projects firmly underway and is said to be keen to tempt Daniel Craig into reprising his role as the titular character for the fifth time. Holding her own: Her breakout role was as DiCaprio's feisty wife, Naomi, on Wolf of Wall Street, which her portrayal earned her international acclaim - and showed off her gorgeous legs to the world

Next week will see the conclusion of the 12th season of The Bachelorette, as Joelle 'JoJo' Fletcher gets engaged to either Jordan Rodgers or Robby Hayes. And according to a new report, there's set to be a dramatic break-up ahead of the romantic proposal.lace front wigs Us Weekly claims that JoJo comes to the difficult decision of choosing between the two suitors after one of them makes a big mistake with her parents Joseph and Soraya. Family matters: Joelle 'JoJo' Fletcher apparently picks her fiance in next week's Bachelorette finale after one of the men makes a big mistake with her parents Who will it be?: Jordan Rodgers (L) and Robby Hayes are the two men left in the competition, and one of them allegedly gets sent packing after failing to ask JoJo's parents for her hand in marriage The runner-up gets dumped after failing to ask the 25-year-old's parents' for her hand in marriage, and during the emotional rejection, JoJo confesses that she wanted things to turn out differently. 'JoJo was sobbing,' a source told Us Weekly. 'She told him, “I wanted it to be you.”' The insider added: 'It was important to JoJo that the guys get her parents’ permission before proposing. JoJo viewed it as disrespectful that he didn’t.' Us Weekly claims that JoJo's family liked both of the finalists, but thought that the man she eventually picks was better suited to her. Favourite from the start: Jordan received the First Impression Rose and his relationship with JoJo has gone from strength to strength ever since

Not true: The 27-year-old former quarterback has denied that he cheated on his last girlfriend 'Everyone thought he was husband material,' a source said. 'Later, they told JoJo that they liked the other man too, but they thought the second would be more loyal and a better fit.' And speaking about the family's meeting with the runner-up, the insider revealed: 'After he left, Soraya said she thought he was a player.' It seems that JoJo did make the right decision however, as she is apparently still very happily engaged to the winner. She likes what she sees: JoJo has also fallen in love with former competitive swimmer Robby, 27 Denying the rumours: Robby has refuted claims that he dumped his girlfriend to appear on the show Former quarterback Jordan, 27, has been a favourite to win the show from night one, when JoJo presented him with the First Impression Rose. Show secrets: Us Weekly revealed details of the dramatic finale And while on Monday's episode of the show he was seen telling the real estate developer that asking her father's permission to propose would be very important to him, a clip for the finale showed JoJo asking if he is ready to get down on one knee. Both of the finalists have faced rumours about past relationships, with Jordan's ex Brittany Farrar claiming that they broke up because she cheated on him. He denied this to JoJo on the show. The footballer is estranged from his famous NFL star brother Aaron, whose girlfriend Olivia Munn is close pals with Jordan's ex-girlfriend. Aaron finally addressed his younger brother speaking about their fraught relationship on the show during an interview with WISN on Tuesday. 'As far as those kinds of things go, I've always found that it's a little inappropriate to talk publicly about some family matters, so I'm not going to speak on those things,' he said. 'But I wish him well in the competition.' Meanwhile a friend of Robby's ex-girlfriend Hope Higginbotham has claimed that he dumped her in order to go on The Bachelorette, something which he denied during last week's hometown dates. The Bachelorette finale followed by the After The Final Rose special will air on ABC on Monday.cosplay wigs She made the right choice: JoJo is apparently still happily engaged to the winner, who popped the question in May. The finale airs on ABC on Monday